Lazy Evaluation Ranch
7/10 Tesseract knows you are in there. It is futile to attempt to hide your delicious fried seaweed snack from Tesseract.
The walkways are full of pineapple weed, which wouldn’t be a problem if the goats would stop rolling in it. Everything in the entire universe smells of goat butts and pineapple.
I’m going to start a cologne company. People will be lining up to buy Pineapple Goat Butt (tm) as gifts for their enemies.

7/10 Tesseract knows you are in there. It is futile to attempt to hide your delicious fried seaweed snack from Tesseract.

The walkways are full of pineapple weed, which wouldn’t be a problem if the goats would stop rolling in it. Everything in the entire universe smells of goat butts and pineapple.

I’m going to start a cologne company. People will be lining up to buy Pineapple Goat Butt (tm) as gifts for their enemies.

7/9 A Feral Cat Who Is Not The Small Grey Lump That Goes Meow very convincingly assures me that he was definitely not lurking around the drainage ditch trying to catch the delicious baby frogs as they leave the water for the first time. I’m convinced, for sure. Aren’t you convinced?

Today is Day 2 of Operation Stop Sheep Scouring.  We are feeding the sheep much less grain. They are delighted! So delighted they were bellowing until midnight - in a purely celebratory fashion, of course - and the neighbors probably think the sheep set themselves on fire somehow. 

I am sure the only reason they were kicking and ramming the gate is because they were so happy they wanted to give it a high five for keeping them away from all that scary grain.

7/8 Baby frogs in a drainage ditch in the goat pasture!

7/7/2014 The Small Grey Lump That Goes Meow, along with failing at How Be Feral And Not Rub On Humans Purring, is also having a little trouble with How Flower Smell. 
The sheep are scouring a little which is the Sekrit Old-Timey Farmer Code for AAAAAAAAUGH THERE IS SHEEP DIARRHEA EVERYWHERE WHAT IS GOING ON. I think the problem is probably creeping buttercup, which I have seen the sheep eat, and I know causes scours in cattle.
Not sure what to do about that. Since creeping buttercup is the only thing the goats won’t eat, we have a lot of it growing. The sheep have plenty of perfectly good hay, which they’re ignoring to go eat buttercups around the duck pond.
I think the plan is “treat every other possible cause of scours and hope something else fixes it.” 

7/7/2014 The Small Grey Lump That Goes Meow, along with failing at How Be Feral And Not Rub On Humans Purring, is also having a little trouble with How Flower Smell. 

The sheep are scouring a little which is the Sekrit Old-Timey Farmer Code for AAAAAAAAUGH THERE IS SHEEP DIARRHEA EVERYWHERE WHAT IS GOING ON. I think the problem is probably creeping buttercup, which I have seen the sheep eat, and I know causes scours in cattle.

Not sure what to do about that. Since creeping buttercup is the only thing the goats won’t eat, we have a lot of it growing. The sheep have plenty of perfectly good hay, which they’re ignoring to go eat buttercups around the duck pond.

I think the plan is “treat every other possible cause of scours and hope something else fixes it.” 

7/6 We got the animals a watermelon. Everyone except the sheep liked it. The chickens especially liked it, I think because they were imagining it was some great and fierce sugar beast they had slaughtered with their mighty talons so they could bathe in its blood. Death to the sugar beast!

7/6 We got the animals a watermelon. Everyone except the sheep liked it. The chickens especially liked it, I think because they were imagining it was some great and fierce sugar beast they had slaughtered with their mighty talons so they could bathe in its blood. Death to the sugar beast!

7/4 The sheep made a little hollow by rolling in the dust. It holds one sheep, five ordinary chickens, two peacocks, or one Enormous Disgruntled Viking Hen. What are you looking at, human?

7/3 Some visiting duck left a duckweed leaf in our pond. They are tiny green floating leaves about five millimeters long and four millimeters wide. They also can bud off a new leaf once a day. So the number of duckweeds you have doubles every day. Now it’s two weeks later, and we have a few thousand duckweed leaves in the duck pond.
This is more than a little creepy. I have been picking up the ducks and throwing them into the pond and telling them that duckweed is delicious and maybe it will get them duckstoned, but they don’t quite believe me.
At this rate, I calculate duckweed will cover the entire surface of the earth in about 53 days. Since there’s already been duckweed on our pond for two weeks, uh, just one month left until the apocalypse, I guess. Pick out your End Of The World Hat.
I was hoping we’d get a cool apocalypse with giant robots and meteors and burning lilies or something. Sorry. It’s just gonna be duckweed. :(

7/3 Some visiting duck left a duckweed leaf in our pond. They are tiny green floating leaves about five millimeters long and four millimeters wide. They also can bud off a new leaf once a day. So the number of duckweeds you have doubles every day. Now it’s two weeks later, and we have a few thousand duckweed leaves in the duck pond.

This is more than a little creepy. I have been picking up the ducks and throwing them into the pond and telling them that duckweed is delicious and maybe it will get them duckstoned, but they don’t quite believe me.

At this rate, I calculate duckweed will cover the entire surface of the earth in about 53 days. Since there’s already been duckweed on our pond for two weeks, uh, just one month left until the apocalypse, I guess. Pick out your End Of The World Hat.

I was hoping we’d get a cool apocalypse with giant robots and meteors and burning lilies or something. Sorry. It’s just gonna be duckweed. :(

7/2 Don’t let anyone tell you white currants are a “delicacy”. They look like aliens gestating in fluid sacs and they taste like hairspray.
Nothing we’ve ever cooked with them has been worth eating, not even bar-le-duc, which involves removing the seeds with a needle and preserving the berries in wine and honey. Bar-le-duc is the fanciest jelly, you’re supposed to serve it with foie gras. It tasted like hairspray mixed with honey and wine.
If you’re local to us and want a bunch of free white currants, let me know. Maybe we should try to make all-organic hairspray or something.
Soup-Nose has been enjoying being milked four times a day, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that she is also getting fed four times a day. Infection levels are barely detectable by CMT at this point, we’ll probably give her another week or so just to be sure and then go back to using her milk for cheese.
I’m happy our first serious mastitis incident was resolved without injecting anything into anyone’s udder.

7/2 Don’t let anyone tell you white currants are a “delicacy”. They look like aliens gestating in fluid sacs and they taste like hairspray.

Nothing we’ve ever cooked with them has been worth eating, not even bar-le-duc, which involves removing the seeds with a needle and preserving the berries in wine and honey. Bar-le-duc is the fanciest jelly, you’re supposed to serve it with foie gras. It tasted like hairspray mixed with honey and wine.

If you’re local to us and want a bunch of free white currants, let me know. Maybe we should try to make all-organic hairspray or something.

Soup-Nose has been enjoying being milked four times a day, which probably has a lot to do with the fact that she is also getting fed four times a day. Infection levels are barely detectable by CMT at this point, we’ll probably give her another week or so just to be sure and then go back to using her milk for cheese.

I’m happy our first serious mastitis incident was resolved without injecting anything into anyone’s udder.

7/1 We were in Boston most of June, while The Man In The Lobster Print Shirt took care of the animals. Actually, I think I have to upgrade him: he now owns an even more unsettling Shirt With Large-Eyed Kittens And Hamburgers On It. I am unsure as to why the Chthonic and Unknowable Powers Who Wait Beyond The Edges Of The Universe To Devour All Things are letting our goat sitter borrow shirts from their closet.
Soup-Nose celebrated our return by leaping over a barbed wire fence in the back pasture and tearing her udder open. Any day you have to use blood-stop powder is a bad day.
So then we had to leave her unmilked for a couple days while the enormous gash on her udder healed. She helpfully used this time to develop mastitis - staph bacteria living inside her udder and converting the milk into disgusting stringy mucus-yogurt. Thanks, Soup!
Now we have to milk her every two hours to keep the infection down. Hooray. This is ever so much fun, and very good for our social lives.
Maybe she’s trying to help us make up for all the times we didn’t milk her while we were in Boston? In her imagination, we just couldn’t bear not squeezing a goat.

7/1 We were in Boston most of June, while The Man In The Lobster Print Shirt took care of the animals. Actually, I think I have to upgrade him: he now owns an even more unsettling Shirt With Large-Eyed Kittens And Hamburgers On It. I am unsure as to why the Chthonic and Unknowable Powers Who Wait Beyond The Edges Of The Universe To Devour All Things are letting our goat sitter borrow shirts from their closet.

Soup-Nose celebrated our return by leaping over a barbed wire fence in the back pasture and tearing her udder open. Any day you have to use blood-stop powder is a bad day.

So then we had to leave her unmilked for a couple days while the enormous gash on her udder healed. She helpfully used this time to develop mastitis - staph bacteria living inside her udder and converting the milk into disgusting stringy mucus-yogurt. Thanks, Soup!

Now we have to milk her every two hours to keep the infection down. Hooray. This is ever so much fun, and very good for our social lives.

Maybe she’s trying to help us make up for all the times we didn’t milk her while we were in Boston? In her imagination, we just couldn’t bear not squeezing a goat.

Oh, that’s completely obvious at all times. Nobody ever yells, “hey fancybird!” because they don’t know which peacock they’re talking to, nope. Goofus has four white feathers on his right wing, and Gallant has five white feathers on his right wing, and of course they’re both polite enough to walk around with their wings open at all times so we can tell. :)

One of Gallant’s white feathers is his alula, the short “thumb” feather normally tucked into the wing, but opened for landing and fine maneuvering. He also fans out his alula when he is trying to impress a fine sexy deflated basketball. So sometimes you can see it, like in the blurry picture.

Mostly we tell them apart by behavior. I have posted some Very Scientific Brain Scans.

Goofus is high-strung and curious. He likes being on top of tall objects, adventures on other people’s property, and suspiciously investigating blades of grass that might have moved a millimeter since he last saw them.

Gallant is mellow and easygoing. He likes sex with his girlfriend Moustache the Chicken and spending hours bathing in the pile of goat poop.

Both of them have a weird fascination with the Sexy Deflated Basketball.

snarkytoon